Normal Website

Not a front for a secret organization.
Written by Rob Schultz (human).

Filtering by Category: Life

Lonely Point Lighthouse

*

Langston Hicks bounded back down the stairs of the dilapidated lighthouse. The stairs creaked underfoot. The rain battered against the walls and wind whistled over the rough holes in the roof. The boiler in the basement struggled to coax steam through pipes in the walls that rattled in protest, having retired decades ago. Even the walls themselves seemed to be moaning, long and low. When Langston's entire extended family (God rest their souls) gathered under one roof in the summer time, their house wasn't this noisy.

Langston rounded the bottom of the staircase on the first floor, and swung his lantern broadly in front of him. He was reasonably sure that everyone else was upstairs, but he didn't need to take any foolish chances, didn't need to risk embarrassing himself again in front of his bosses. For a pair of old timers, Ms. Zola and Mr. Hull didn't ask for much. It was that young photographer that had Langston worried, the way he was always waving that gun around. But Kline was definitely upstairs. With the body.

*

Cropsey Hull paced and muttered. "It just doesn't make sense," he said. He cast a long shadow over the wedding photo leaning against the wall of the upstairs bedroom. "Viv, how does this timeline make sense?"

Vivienne Zola sat at a small writing desk in a corner of the room. Another horrible moan came from the walls of the house and she grimaced. On the desk sat numerous crumpled scraps of paper and waterlogged books. She held one near her lantern and picked through it gingerly.  "Well I'm sure I don't know how it makes sense, but it has to. We just can't see all the pieces."

"Maybe there's something in there that I missed," said Hull. "Mr. Kline, come out of there. I want to check the room again."

*

Langston moved from room to room on the first floor, playing his lantern along the walls with one hand, and turning over a small stone in his other. Someone had carved a star into the stone. A star with a lick of flame like a candle light, right in the middle. He was sure he'd seen something like that down here before. He was just going to put the stone back where it belonged and everything was going to calm down. Something was amiss, and the house was upset. 

Nonsense was what Ms. Zola would call it. She always told Langston the first step to explaining these "haunted houses" was understanding that they're just houses. Nothing's haunted, she said. But she didn't see the way that boulder on the beach exploded when they stood it upright four hours ago.  Maybe this whole island was what was angry.

*

Kennedy Kline stepped out of the hidden passage with a care that did not extend to the direction his shotgun was pointing. 

Hull gently pushed the end of the gun toward the ceiling.  "Let's not any of us get shot tonight, Mr. Kline," he said. 
Hull stepped through the ragged hole they'd made in the bricks.  He adjusted his lantern's mantle and worked it carefully around the room, counter-clockwise from the hole. More walls of empty unadorned brick. On the outside wall, dribbles of water down from the ceiling. And the cot. 

The cot itself was chained to the wall, and chained to the cot was the desiccated corpse in its wedding dress and tiara, just like the woman in the painting. The tiara was gleaming even in the faint light, shining in stark contrast to the rusty metal of the cot.

"It's gotta be her," said Kline. He was already back in the chamber, uncomfortably close for Hull.  "It's gotta be. There's only one way to end this."

"Kennedy, don't!"

*

Langston held his stone up to the doorframe in the kitchen.  An ornament over the door had a matching symbol. Just as the stones nearly touched together was he heard the shot from upstairs. He had to get back up there. 

As Langston turned back to the hall, the wall of the kitchen exploded into splinters behind him. His ears rang. He was on the ground.  One of his hands was bleeding and he wasn't sure which one. A man was coming at him through the scraps of timber and linoleum where there used to be a wall.

No, not a man. Too tall to be a man. (Nothing's haunted.) Too broad in the shoulders for a man. Too many teeth to be a man. (Nonsense!) Black eyes, impossibly wide set into pale, sallow skin. An impossible mouth (no such thing) with row after row of teeth. It was roaring as loud as any animal Langston had ever heard of, and he skittered backwards down the hall. (Nonsense!)

There had been a revolver in his belt. Still shoving the ground away, trying to put space between himself and the thing, Langston found time to check, found his hand wrapped around the revolver. Now at the end of the hall, he slid his back against the doorframe and got to his feet. He fired the gun, again and again, and a few of the rounds even hit the thing as it ducked under the doorway from the kitchen to the hall.

Bullets slapped into its hide and stayed put. 

*

Hull and Kline rounded the second floor landing, and saw a bloody Langston Hicks throw himself backwards into the foyer, frantically trying to reload his gun. Bullets slipped in between his bloody fingers.

Kline, taking the stairs two at a time, began to call out to Langston, but the words lost their shape in his mouth when his eyes traced the path from the end of Langston's gun to its target.

"Get back!" Langston shouted. It was unclear to Kline whether he was addressing his friends or the beast. Langston fired again at the monster, which stepped right past him towards the stairs, paying no mind to the gunfire.

As the monstrosity took its first steps onto the groaning staircase, Kennedy Kline let loose with a grin, a shout, and a shotgun.

*

Langston stared at the thing continuing up the stairs. Kline's shotgun blast had been as effective as his .22, or the kitchen's wall. He let his empty revolver fall to the floor from his hand.

Kline had apparently decided to retreat, Langston noticed. He pushed past Hull on the stairs, and disappeared down the hall.

Langston thought to himself, at least the moaning has stopped.


*

"Whatever is the matter, Mr. Kline?" asked Ms. Zola, working her way down the hall with the caution due the dark and wet floors by a septuagenarian. "What on God's green Earth are you shooting at now?"

"S-sh-sh-shark! Shark!" Kline shouted. There was no time to lose. He needed to get upstairs to the attic and fast.

Zola pursued him up the stairs. "What do you mean a shark? The water level hasn't gotten that high just yet."

*

Hull stood perfectly still at the top of the first flight of stairs. As the man-shark continued to climb the stairs Hull raised a small handgun from the pocket of his trench coat, took careful aim, and fired into the mouth of the beast. 

It threw its head back in another roar and when Hull fired another bullet into the roof of the enormous mouth, it seemed to Langston that the shark-man might just topple over backwards down the stairs. 

When the enormous mouth of the shark lurched forwards instead, across Hull's torso and then snapped shut, Hull thought it was a terribly, terribly brave way for the old reporter to have met his maker. It was a damned shame. Despite their minor differences, he'd been a pleasure to work with.

The man-shark too had disappeared down the hall on the second floor, well before Hull's head and legs had both settled at the bottom of the staircase.

*

When Vivienne Zola came back down from the third floor, returned to the master bedroom with its hidden passage, and discovered that the secret room itself was missing not only the cot but the wall the cot had been chained to, she considered it a minor miracle that the house itself was still standing.

It took a long time to convince Mr. Kline, still babbling about a shark, that the safest place for them was in fact in the basement where the furnace was, and not the attic on the third floor of a house missing several large portions of its walls, but that was simply less time she had to spend waiting for the morning to come and the storm to end.

It was a terrible business with Hull, her dear friend, but she'd been through war and she'd been through Panama and she'd get through this as well.

*

Prose based on Lonely Point Lighthouse by Oscar Rios
with David Kline as Kennedy Kline
Dane Anderson as Cropsey Hull
Russell August Anderson as Vivienne Zola
Martin Lastname and Sasha Huff as Langston Hicks
and Rob Schultz as the Keeper of Arcane Lore.

#2,276: The Lobster

Cast a Deadly Spell ★★½☆☆
I like Lovecraftian stuff more than the next guy, and I like when movies have in-fiction easter eggs for the fans, like when the Marvel Cinematic Universe brings up Roxxon Oil or something. But somehow It still feels so cheesy and embarrassing when a movie starts dropping Lovecraft references. I don't know what it is. Maybe it's that the kind of movies that star Detectives Lovecraft and Bradbury aren't very good.

In truth though, I thought the parts that focused on investigation and/or Yog-Sothoth instead of comedy turned out okay.

Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping - ★★★☆☆
I know there were references that were lost on me, but I liked this more than I expected. It's perfect for fans of the Lonely Island's signature 'long list of nouns' songwriting technique!

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014) - ★☆☆☆☆
It's nuts how boring this is. The first 70 or 80 minutes are an adaptation of the 30 seconds that opens the cartoon, except with worse music. Then there's a video game level or two and a generic CG-action movie boss fight.

I don't know what's crazier, that this movie shares writers with Ghost Protocol, or that the writers of Amazing Spider-Man didn't get any credit at all even though this movie swipes a lot of the dumbest parts of ASM's plot. 

The Lobster - ★★★☆☆
This is fun. It's like Her by way of Rubber. I noticed a lot of people making the comment that they enjoyed the second half less. That's probably because you have all of this fun in the first half of being shown around a world, and it's almost always disappointing when that sort of thing comes to an end to make room for the plot.

#2,272: X-Men: Apocalypse

Dead Ringer - ★★★★☆
Just very satisfying. A plot is wound up, put into motion, and the consequences uncoil one by one. I could do with more of that.

It was tempting to throw in a little line about how there're no capes or lasers to be found, but of course, this _is_ a visual effect-heavy movie for its day...

The Nice Guys - ★★★★☆
This is the latest version of The Shane Black Movie. If it's not the best one, it's definitely top five.

It's the kind of movie that people talk about when they lament that Hollywood is all comic books and remakes and why aren't there any cool movies that stand on their own, but then they skip because it's not one of those big spectacle movies you've gotta get down to the theater to see.

The Night of the Hunter  - ★★☆☆☆
I know this is on a lot of best-movie-ever type lists, but it just doesn't quite hit the mark for me. I don't know what else to say.

X-Men: Apocalypse - ★☆☆☆☆
Well, you know what they say: the third one in the series is the worst. Then, as now, I can't believe Singer made Days of Future Past. This installment manages to undermine or ignore everything that made the last one so good, and fills the void with a bunch of the garbage from the original trilogy we had just gotten rid of.

If this were advertised as a demo for the latest version of a visual effects software package, it would probably still seem a little incoherent.

#2,269: Captain America: Civil War

The Queen of Versailles - ★★½☆☆
I'm not sure what made me want to chase the feeling I had watching this the first time, but on a rewatch it was not as much fun. Revolting, but not the fun kind of revolting. No longer shocking, maybe.

Money Monster - ★★☆☆☆
I think I like the outline of this movie. Like, if you sat me down and told me about all the stuff that happens, I think I'd be on board. But the actual script that someone wrote from that outline? Not so much.

This movie is like if The Big Short were Phone Booth.

The Gambler - ★☆☆☆☆
By random luck, I missed this one in theaters last year. But then, I happened to stream it. Ah well. You win some, you lose some.

Captain America: Civil War - ★★★★☆
I don't think this tops Winter Soldier in my book, but it's probably my favorite entry in the MCU since.

Quick hits:
• All of the guest star characters in this are handled really well, but I felt like the main Cap crew may have been a little underserved.
• The shutter in the opening adventure is crazy. Made me wonder if it was inspired by Mad Max, but since it goes away later on, maybe it's just to show us how fast these guys are compared to the normals.
• This is maybe the first time a movie has made Iron Man do the generic superhero movie thing of standing around in costume sans helmet all the time.
• In the briefing early on, we see the death tolls of previous films' events on screen. If those are right, I don't really think world governments would be pushing for this kind of legislation. An annihilated nation, a diverted terrorist bombing, a weird military / air disaster, and an honest-to-god alien invasion with a combined lower body count than 9/11? Gunmen in the states routinely take out civilians on a scale comparable to the bomb in the opening scene of this movie without triggering sweeping legislation. I can see why non-USA nations want the accords, they don't have a lot of super heroes, but in our world those nations can't even get the USA to fall into step against pollution.

#2,266: The Jungle Book

Spare Parts - ★★½☆☆
This is a cool story, but not a very good movie. It doesn't spend enough time on any of the characters subplots to make them compelling, so it probably would have been better off 30 minutes shorter and with more robots.

The Jungle Book (2016) - ★½☆☆☆
I guess I don't know why you would make this? When I didn't dig last year's Cinderella, I didn't want to believe it was just too "girl movie" for me. This year's model proves that a) the feeling of two movies by different directors stapled together in the middle ("Super serious and gritty retelling!" "No! Songs and magic!") was the intended effect, and that b) I still don't like it.

Some of this one takes place in the Jungle, and some of it takes place in the Uncanny Valley. Mowgli's got amazing hair. The thing with the book under the end credits was neat.

The End of the Tour - ★★★½☆
I'm glad I watched this, but I don't really know the people it's based on, so I didn't bring a lot to the movie. Is it too cute to call it a millennial My Dinner with Andre?

A little while later I read a book by Wallace while I was on jury duty, so maybe that's something.

The Jungle Book (1967) - ★★★☆☆
There are a lot of Disney 'classics' that I suspect I've never really seen, I just think I have because I had the picture book. Or the reused animation tricks me into thinking I've only seen part of the movie. Anyhow it was kind of fun go compare the two. The first hour of the live action movie only takes ten minutes in the cartoon.