#2,330: Gods of Egypt

Assassin's Creed - ★☆☆☆☆
I'm happy for Michael Fassbender and his new boat. I thought this was reasonably well directed, in that I generally could tell what was happening on screen, but badly written, in as much as I never had any idea what was going on in the movie.

Silence - ★★★☆☆
It may well be the point, but this is a tough movie to love. It sure doesn't help that it's being sold as a kind of 'men on a (ahem) mission' adventure, but I guess no one's going to line up for 'a catalog of incessant cruelty!'

JFK - ★★★★☆
Welp, I'm convinced!

Costner is good in his role as the engine of the thin veneer of plot Oliver Stone wraps around all of the 'evidence' he wants to lay out. Also, I've heard the John Williams theme to JFK for years, but the film itself turns those snares into something sinister...

Gods of Egypt - ½☆☆☆☆
It seems like right now everyone is going nuts for Hidden Figures. And while Hidden Figures is fine, and I'm glad we found out about those women and their story, it's not a great movie. I mean, it's not a Great Movie. It's good, there's nothing wrong with it. I just think that the average person going crazy for it doesn't see that many movies.

Likewise, when someone says that Batman v Superman is the worst movie of the year, or decade, or whatever; certainly it isn't a Great Movie either. Maybe it's even not-that-great of a movie, but those people aren't seeing everything that comes out. They might be vaguely aware, at the time it was released, that Gods of Egypt IS a movie, but of course they didn't see it. They just don't know how wide the gamut is. That 7/10 is the best movie you've ever seen and that 4/10 is the worst, but listen: the scale is from 1 to 10. Movies get even better. And so, so much worse.

#2,326: Passengers

The Handmaiden - ★★★★☆
I saw this under perfect conditions– in a nice theater, and with no idea of what the movie was about. It's interesting, it's twisty, it goes on and on... and on... Maybe a little bit too far, in fact.

I'm torn between watching the BBC version to get more and never watching the BBC version so that I don't ruin something nice.

Hidden Figures - ★★★½☆
"What was that Kevin Costner movie with Octavia Spencer?"
"Hidden Figures?"
"No. Well... yes. But..."
"Oh, no no, Hidden Figures was the Octavia Spencer movie with Kevin Costner."
"Right."

Rogue One: A Star Wars Story - ★★½☆☆
I've seen this twice and I still didn't catch the names of all of the main characters. That doesn't feel very Star Wars to me. With Episode 7, it was exciting to know that there are new people and new places and new things and we don't know what they all are yet, but we know who the main characters are. The audience around me seemed to care a lot more about the droid than any of the people. I think I'm less angry about it than I sound, but it still seems like such a wasted opportunity to go back to prequeling.

On a second watch, I did feel that mid-movie slow down. I like the ending though! (The ending, particularly, and distinctly from the epilogue.) Even if it takes all movie to get there, it does feel good to have the movie finally make a bold choice.

Also on the rewatch, everything involving Saw Guerrera is completely frustrating. None of it makes a lick of sense. So much of his sequence could be lifted out and nothing would be any different. He doesn't do anything that helps anyone, and then he dies because what? He's bored? He's like the Into The Wild of Star Wars.

Passengers - ★★★★★
I liked this one very much. I felt like the vision of the future resembled the cheerfully unhelpful future I like writing about. I hope this gets the production design Oscar™.

All of the think pieces getting written about Chris Pratt's 'problematic' behavior are like the open mic comic doing his bit about how weird it is that Garfield hates Mondays. Yes. That's not your joke, that's Jim Davis' joke. Also, that behavior is the point of this movie. It's the interesting thing! You were hoping for a movie where two beautiful people randomly pair off and just relax in luxury until they die of old age?

I don't want to see the first half re-edited into a rom-com, but I would like to see a more thoughtful third act that forces them to really get a grip on the situation.

#2,323: Rogue One

The Edge of Seventeen - ★★★★☆
Although I might not relate to the direct experiences of the characters, this movie seems more true to what high school feels like than other, more buzzed about high school films.

De Palma - ★★★★☆
So much fun. Makes me want to go watch every De Palma movie. 

Manchester by the Sea - ★★☆☆☆
Whatever. Take all the acting prizes you can carry. I didn't fall asleep, but that doesn't mean I wasn't bored.

Rogue One: A Star Wars Story - ★★★☆☆
I guess this is my favorite Gareth Edwards movie? I guess I get the pick now; all of his movies are about characters at the periphery of some actual story that we only glimpse in passing. The 8th grader Star Wars geek in me finds a lot of the little details interesting and nods along at the references, but the modern-day movie going part of me is still kind of suspicious. Star Wars seems like this big open space, and if you're going to commit to doing a series of in-universe movies that are outside of the Skywalkers-and-company, how do you end up picking such safe (re: boring) subjects? Why are you making more prequels? I don't want to see each sentence of the opening crawl blown out to 2 hours. I really, really don't want to see Han Solo pranking the dean. For one thing, you're Star Wars, every extra has a name and back story, and fans will lap up anything you put in front of them. For another, you're produced by the studio that brought us Guardians of the Galaxy. Even though it's the worst MCU movie, at least it's bold!

And this huge media push to tell us this is the 'first stand alone Star Wars movie'? You are full of jokes.

#2,319: Moana

As sometimes happens, increased work loads have resulted in lower quality reviews for you, the concerned moviegoer. Management regrets the inconvenience.

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey - ★★½☆☆
The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug - ★★★☆☆ 
The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies - ★★½☆☆

On the whole, these weren't as bad as people make them sound, which is pretty good for 9 hours of prequels. We somehow spent days and days watching these, and I don't really recall where one stops and another one starts. I think I liked the sort of political intrigue side plot Gandalf was working more than the story about The Hobbit though. 

Some time passed between viewing and catching up to these in my quick reviews, so saying anything more about them would probably just be guessing. I recall being delighted at remembering a couple of things from reading the book in grade school, a lot of fan servicey cameos and guest stars turning up, one scene with the dragon being pretty good, Stephen Fry being quite distracting, and that even while watching the movie I was unable to definitively list all five of the Five Armies. 

Moana - ★★★½☆
The best parts of this movie are the parts with Moana. The middle chunk with Maui is a little boring.

(It's kind of interesting how the zeitgeist works - I think I could have told you that Lin-Manuel Miranda was behind these lyrics without seeing the credits or anything - they sound like him, as far as I'm concerned, even though I haven't seen any Hamilton and don't really have any basis to know that about him. Maybe he re-used some rhymes from The Force Awakens...)

#2,315: Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them

99 Homes - ★★★☆☆
I'm perpetually at my most delighted when I see a movie I've never heard of before it starts. This is a classic first-half movie: digging into the world and characters is fun, but when The Plot comes smashing down, the wheels start to come off.

Cop Car - ★★★★☆
Watched this out of Spider-hype as much as anything. The kids were younger than I was expecting. The movie was better than I was expecting. Somehow, the setting makes it feel like a solid double feature with 99 Homes. Good work, everybody!

Nocturnal Animals - ★☆☆☆☆
As the French would say, "pretentious nonsense." Marvel at the symbolism! Thrill to the incredible reading montage!

Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them - ★★☆☆☆
It seems like Potter fans found it pretty satisfying, which is probably the most important thing, but it's kind of a weird movie. It's not that nothing happens so much as that the characters might not be relevant to the plot.