Unacceptable, Part 4

This would be the final of my four replacement columns for The Higgs Weldon, but since all of them seem vaguely to be the same story, I think it may continue for a little while.

This week, the story starts out all like,

“I’m not trying to be difficult, but this is unacceptable!” I shouted to Vanessa from the bed of the lumber truck. I was trying to release one of the ratchet straps holding felled trees to the truck, which is pretty difficult to begin with, but we were being shot at, and I hate that. Sure, it comes with the job, but it always makes me duck.

Honestly, it’s a little bit embarrassing. I know the statistics. I wasn’t going to get hit. But they were shooting at me. Vanessa was closer to the banditos than I was, and she didn’t even flinch when they opened fire.

and then there's more. Go read it! There are no Ukranians this week.

Also, feel free to SUBMIT your own writing to The Higgs Weldon.

Unacceptable, Part 3

This week, in the third of four replacement pieces I wrote for The Higgs Weldon, my spy characters return, and I over-use a silver-age comic book trope.

A sample for YOU:

“I’m not trying to be difficult, but this is unacceptable!” I shouted to Vanessa. I think I was probably drowned out by the horrible blowy noise of the helicopter leaving the Brazilian embassy. I never liked helicopters, always pushing all that loud sky down at the rest of us. I was about to mention it, but Albert appeared at the top of the stairwell waving a flare, and the whole thing was very distracting.

We hurried down half a dozen flights of stairs. If I didn’t have a full RADAR (RADAR: Radio-Assisted Detection And Ranging –Your ever-helpful editor Steve!) detection suite in my suit, I would have bet on the seventh floor being awash in RADAR. Of course, it was a field operation, so I did, and it was. You work in this business long enough, you learn a thing or two about RADAR. And I have, so I did.

And it only gets better from there. Check out the rest of it today, and then tomorrow, SUBMIT your own spy comedy!

Unacceptable, Part 2

My second installment filling in the slots of the July writing prompt on The Higgs Weldon begins thusly:

“I’m not trying to be difficult, but this is unacceptable!” I shouted to Vanessa as we plummeted to Earth. She probably shouted something back, but I couldn’t tell what it was. Falling is noisier than you’d think.

Just minutes ago, everything had been going great. Vanessa and I were both inside of a really nice airplane. We were flying Business Class, because it was a business trip. I had just had a big bag of peanuts, an EpiPen, and a hot towel, when Vanessa came through the privacy curtain holding a parachute.

Read the rest of it today, only on The Higgs Weldon!
Don't forget to SUBMIT your own comedy writing at once!

Unacceptable, Part 1

This month, over at The Higgs Weldon, our writing prompt for July was to start a piece with the following sentence:

“I’m not trying to be difficult, but this is unacceptable!”

Unfortunately, nobody submitted anything. So a hero stepped up. A real, true-blue, American hero. Look forward to four new pieces from me over the next four weeks. This week:

“I’m not trying to be difficult, but this is unacceptable!” I shouted to Vanessa over a pitter-patter of raindrops on the roof of our office and a whap-ping of low-caliber handgun ammunition slapping into our heavy, overturned desks.

Vanessa turned to me from across the office with a look that seemed to say, “I know that this isn’t the kind of situation either of us wants to be in, least of all at three minutes after five on a Friday, and yes, we did get married, and no, not to each other, but dammit, we both got divorced too, and life is short, and cruel, and so are these Ukrainians who are shooting at us, so how about we fake our deaths and start over in Barbados?”

Read the rest on The Higgs Weldon. I think it's pretty good!
(Also, SUBMIT your own writing!)

Hike Mic: Batcave

Every month, Jason Van Glass and I host an open mic in front of a Los Angeles landmark. It's your chance to do 3 minutes and get some neat facebook pictures.

This month: Bronson Canyon, home of Batman '66's Batcave, and a million other things. Join us!