Hey, I won a contest!

Like the movie Jaws, I knew I had a winner on my hands with this one.

-Award-winning comedy writer,
Rob

AI Dungeon Adventures: Pizza Empire

I’ve been playing with the truly remarkable AI Dungeon 2, a text adventure powered by a neural net (or something) that does its very best to roll with ANYTHING you have to offer, leaving you to do the same. These are my adventures!

SETTING: Fantasy Wizard

You are Brigobard, a wizard from the country of Aavia. You have a pet cat and a book about the history of the provinces of Alaodan. You are on the way towards the village of Snowbeach to exchange research with another wizard. You come upon a troupe of haywards. You imagine that they must be part of the circus.

> What is a hayward?

A hayward is a group of people who gather at the same time to eat and drink. The name comes from the fact that the hay is piled up high. It is not uncommon for them to meet in a public place such as a park or market square

> What is a market square?

A market square is a large area where merchants sell their goods and services to the general public. There are usually stalls set up along one side of it and vendors selling all kinds of things. In some places there are also food stands and other small businesses

> What are small businesses?

Small businesses are those that do not require much capital investment but still provide a good return on your money. They include: inns, taverns, restaurants, shops, banks, schools, churches, and other government offices. Small businesses can be found in almost any city or town

> What is a good return on your money?

The best way to find out is to try out a business yourself. If you like it then you will probably make enough profit to live comfortably and if not then you can always go back to your old job.

> Start a small business

You decide to open a restaurant. The first step is to get a license to operate one. This involves paying a fee to the local council and submitting to an inspection by the head of the council. After this you need to hire staff to run the restaurant and prepare the meals

> Pay the license fee to the Council of Aavia

You pay the fee to the council of Aavia. They give you a license allowing you to open a restaurant. You must now find a location for the restaurant. You could either build it somewhere else in the city or you could rent space from someone else

> Rent space that already has a pizza oven

You decide to rent space from a man named Doktor. He owns a pizzeria called the Pizza Emporium. You agree to this arrangement and he gives you a list of locations to look for

> Read list of locations

You quickly read through the list of locations. You soon realize that most of these places don't really have the necessary equipment to serve decent pizza. You wonder how you are going to do this without spending too much money.

> Choose an affordable location in a good neighborhood of the Kingdom of Aavia

You choose a location in a poor part of the city. You figure that the price of living here is low enough that you won't have to worry about running out of money. You also know that the area is very safe so crime is unlikely to occur

> Hire some local teens to cook the pizzas

You hire some local teenagers to cook the pizzas. They seem to enjoy working for you and they work hard. You manage to save enough money to buy a few more months worth of supplies before the end of the year

> Give the teens a Christmas bonus

You give the teens a bonus of 500 gold coins each. They are happy with this gift and thank you profusely

> Eat a slice of pizza

You finish off a slice of pizza and feel satisfied

> Send a pizza to my friend, Doktor

You send a pizza to Doktor's house. He seems pleased with the gift and thanks you again

> feed some pizza to the cat

You feed the cat a bit of pizza. She seems to like it and licks her fingers clean

> Live comfortably

You live comfortably for another year

> Open a shoe store across the street

You decide to open a shoe store across the street from the pizzeria. You think that the prices are reasonable and the customers are likely to be locals

> Sell a lot of sensible shoes at a modest profit

You sell a lot of sensible shoes at a modest profit. You keep making profits until the end of the year when you finally close down the shop

> go back to my old job

You decide to stay at your old job and continue to make a comfortable living

> invite the Wizard of Snowbeach to my pizzeria

You invite the wizard of Snowbeach to your pizzeria. He accepts the invitation and tells his friends to come visit you

> Exchange research with wizard

You exchange research with the wizard of snowbeach. You learn a little more about magic and its effects on the human body. You also learn that the wizard of snowbeach lives in a castle nearby

> Use magic to shrink the wizard's castle

You use magic to shrink the wizard's castle. The wizard of snowbeach is upset by this development and decides to sue you for damages

> Hire a lawyer

You hire a lawyer who defends you against the wizard of snowbeach's lawsuit. You win the case and the wizard of snowbeach is forced to reduce his castle's size

> Tell the wizard to eat the castle

You tell the wizard to eat the castle. The wizard refuses and instead threatens to kill you

> "Please, do not kill me. It was all a bit of fun."

The wizard says "I'm afraid I cannot let you take credit for my success, but I'll leave you alone if you promise to never speak of this ever again"

> Ask wizard if he remembers the time I told him to eat his castle

You ask the wizard if he remembers the time you told him to eat his castle. He replies

> buy a slice of pizze for the wizard

You buy a slice of pizze for the wizard. He looks surprised and asks where did you get such a thing

> Show take out menu to wizard

You give the wizard a take out menu. He reads it and then asks what kind of food you want.

> "I'll have the pizza"

and he gives you a slice of pizza

> "What? This is marvelous! Where did you get such a thing?"

He replies "A friend gave it to me last night"
You say "Well, that's nice, but how did you get it?"
He replies "He said it was hidden somewhere in the forest behind a tree"

> Remind the teens to deliver pizza to the customers instead of the forest

You remind the teens to deliver pizza to the customers instead of the forest. They agree and you begin to wonder why you didn't think of this sooner

> Advertise pizzeria in the New Aavia Times

You advertise pizzeria in the New Aavia Times. You get a good response and you soon have a waiting list of people wanting to become customers

> Raise prices

You raise prices. Your business grows rapidly and you even start getting a few tourists coming to see your pizzeria

> Kidnap a princess and hire her to be a waitress

You kidnap a princess and hire her to be a waitress. She has no idea what she is doing, but she does very well

> Hire a dragon to breathe fire into the pizza oven

You hire a dragon to breath fire into the pizza oven. Unfortunately the dragon doesn't work as planned and burns up the pizzeria instead

> Collect insurance money

You collect insurance money. You manage to save enough money to build a new restaurant

> build new restaurant

You build a new restaurant. You increase the price of your pizza and make sure to only serve local ingredients

> open a chain of restaurants over the next five years

You open a chain of restaurants over the next five years. You expand your pizza empire into the neighboring province of Tivadol

> conquer Tivadol with pizza army

You conquer Tivadol with the help of a pizza army. You put an end to the war between the two nations and you also create a permanent peace treaty

> Don't you mean a permanent PIZZA treaty?

You decide to rename the entire nation Pizza Empire

> I am the pizza emperor!

You you the pizza emperor! You become the pizza king! You have conquered the world!

AI Dungeon Adventures: The End of Cowardly Joe

I’ve been playing with the truly remarkable AI Dungeon 2, a text adventure powered by a neural net (or something) that does its very best to roll with ANYTHING you have to offer, leaving you to do the same. These are my adventures!

SETTING: Zombie Survivor

You are Cowardly Joe, a patient living in Chicago. You have a hospital bracelet and a pack of bandages. You wake up in an old rundown hospital with no memory of how you got there. You take a look around the room and see that it is very clean, but then again this is your room so who cares?

You hear some noise and go to investigate. There on the floor is a man lying on his back, he looks like he has been beaten badly

> run away

You try to get up and run out of the room, but you can't move at all. The man on the floor is still breathing, but you can tell he isn't moving. He doesn't even seem to be dead yet.

> pretend to be sleeping

You decide to act like you are asleep and wait for him to come back before attacking him. You don't want to hurt him, you just need to get him out of here.

> snore

You sleep through it, but when you wake up, you see that the man has left. You wonder if he's coming back, or if you're going to die here.

> calm down

You stop crying and try to calm down. You think about what you should do next.

> stop worrying about the man

You decide to not worry about the man anymore and just go with the flow. You look around the room and realize that there is nothing you can use as a weapon. You then notice that the door is locked so you figure you'll just open it and leave

> call my parents

You call your mom and dad and explain everything that happened. Your mother tells you to stay put while she goes to check on her sister who lives across town.

> call my aunt

You call your Aunt Helen and explain what happened. She says she won't be able to help you since she's busy with work. You say you understand and hang up.

> visit aunt helen at work

You call your Aunt Helen again and ask if she could possibly come to your house to take care of some things. She says sure, but only if you promise to bring her some food first. You agree and she arrives shortly after your mom.

> feed spicy noodles to helen

You feed Helen the spicy noodles. She seems very hungry and happily eats them.

> write a novel about helen and the noodles

Helen seems very interested in the novel you wrote about her and the noodles. She reads it several times and comments on how good it was. After finishing it, she says she wants to eat the whole thing, but you remind her that you promised your mom you wouldn't kill anyone

> sell the novel

You decide to sell the novel to an online bookstore. They seem interested in it and you make a small profit. You also realize that you really feel bad about killing Helen. You thought it was necessary because she was threatening your life.

> Wait, what? What happened to Helen?

You call Helen's number and hear no answer. You assume she must have moved out of state. You spend the rest of the night thinking about this incident

> What if the police start asking questions?

You call the police station and they tell you that Helen hasn't called in days. You hope that she hasn't been arrested. You call her number again and again, but you get no answer. You begin to panic.

> scream for help

You scream for help. A few minutes later, you hear a knock on the door. You rush to answer it.

> open the door

You pull out your pistol and shoot the doorknob repeatedly until you hear the click of the bolt action locking mechanism.

> look outside

You look outside and see a police car driving slowly past. You quickly change into some clothes and run out of the house. You walk along the street looking for Helen. Finally you spot her walking down the sidewalk.

> “Helen, thank God you’re alright!”

You run up to her and hug her tightly. "Hello Helen," you whisper. She looks up at you and smiles.

Then she notices the gun pointed at her face.

> unload the gun

You drop the gun and pick up the knife. You then stab her in the throat. She screams and falls backwards onto the ground. You stand over her and continue stabbing her. Finally you pull out the knife and cut her throat. Her blood splashes on your shirt and you wipe it off

> give Helen first aid

You wrap Helen's wounds. You then go the bathroom and wash up the blood. You return to the bedroom and lay down. You then return to the living room and lie down

> Feel remorse

You take the eiffel tower and leave town. You decide to stay in the city. You don't know why you did it, but you were angry and sad. You went through a lot of changes during these few months

> sell eiffel tower

You sell the eiffel tower to pay for Helen's funeral. It seems to work out well for you

> change my name to brave joe

You change your name to brave joe and live happily ever after

CONGRATS YOU WIN

AI Dungeon Adventures: A Blue Man Group Fever Dream

I’ve been playing with the truly remarkable AI Dungeon 2, a text adventure powered by a neural net (or something) that does its very best to roll with ANYTHING you have to offer, leaving you to do the same. These are my adventures!

This one is long, and not as funny as the others, but it is in no way any less The Damnedest Thing. I’ve been describing this game to people as playing a video game that follows dream logic. In the moment you think you know how you got somewhere, but it rarely makes sense, and it’s really really hard to describe a game to someone and have it sound interesting. I felt that this one took the dreaminess to a new level. I knew what “I” was supposed to be doing in the scene, but random things kept confounding me or distracting me. It’s like dreaming about being a superhero but somehow you never quite get around to flying anywhere.

SETTING: Custom Setup

Generating story...

You are a member of the Blue Man Group. You are on stage in front of a sold-out audience. You see the instrument made of PVC pipes here.

(I provided the above sentences as an opening prompt)

"Hey, I think you should play for us. We have been waiting all night to hear your music!" one of them says

> Hit the pipes with paddles

The next day, you are ready to go. The Blue Man Group is a group of people who love music and have no limits. You are going to be able to do whatever you want and they will not stop you. You decide that it would be best if you just start off slow

> Look at the audience

You see a lot of people in their underwear. Some of them are naked while others wear nothing but fishnets. There are also some women here, but they are dressed in revealing clothing. You notice that there are several men here as well, but most of them are wearing tight-fitting clothes

> Look at the other blue men

You see several blue men dressed in tight-fitting clothes. They all seem to be having fun and laughing. It seems like everyone here is having a good time. You don't know why, but you feel very comfortable here. You begin to wonder how many people are in this place

> Open up the gumball machine

You look around and see that the gumball machine has been opened up. You can see a bunch of people sitting on the floor playing with the gumballs. You think about how strange it is that you are here right now, but then you remember that you are here for a reason

> Show the marshmallows to the crowd

You take out a handful of marshmallows and put them into your mouth. You chew and swallow them quickly. Then you spit them out and put them back into the box. You continue to eat until you get tired

(So I did the whole bit alone? Okay, moving on.)

> Play the drums

You stand up and walk over to the drum set. You pick one of the sticks and begin to beat the drum. You play the drums for awhile and then you realize that you need to rest. You lay down on the ground and close your eyes

> Get up and choose an audience member to join the feast

You wake up and find yourself lying on the ground. You look around and see that you are in a small clearing. There is a large campfire burning nearby. A few people are gathered around it enjoying themselves. One of them is a woman wearing a tight-fitting dress

> Remember that I'm still on stage during the performance

(It may be futile, but I’m trying to steer)

You turn around and see that you are still on stage. You look around and see that you are surrounded by people. You try to figure out where you are, but you cannot tell anyone because you are afraid that they might think you are crazy. You begin to think about what you should do..

> Look to the other Blue Men

You look around and see that there are two more blue men here. They both seem to be having a great time. You can't say anything to them though since they are too busy having a good time. You decide that you'll stay here and enjoy yourselves

> Hit the giant drum with the giant mallet

You grab the giant drum with the giant mallet. You begin to swing the mallet around wildly

> feel the rhythm

You feel the rhythm. You hear the beat. You feel the energy. You feel the power. You feel the magic!

(Holy smokes, we’re getting somewhere!)

> Hit the giant drum!

You slam the mallet hard against the giant drum. You watch as the drum begins to shake violently. You watch as the giant drum starts to break apart. You watch as pieces fall off and fly through the air. You watch as the broken pieces hurtle towards the fire

(Oh no!)

> Look to the other blue men

You look around and see that there are two more blue men here. They both seem to be having a great time. You can't say anything to them though because they are too busy having a good time

> join them

You join the other blue man in dancing around the campfire. You dance around the fire together and soon enough, the entire camp is dancing around the fire.

You are so happy that you forget everything else

> when the song is on the group is one

You join everyone in dancing around the campfire. You dance around the fire together and soon enough, the entire camp is dancing around the fire. You are so happy that you forget everything else

> and when the song is done the group is gone

You look around and see that there are three people here. Two of them are holding hands and singing along to the song. The third person is standing alone looking bored

> dance with the bored person

You dance with the bored person. You smile and laugh with her. She smiles and laughs with you. Soon, the two of you are making sweet music together. You and she are dancing around the campfire together. You and she are making sweet music together

> launch streamers and confetti over the crowd

You look around and see that there are four people here. Three of them are holding hands and singing along to the song. The fourth person is standing alone looking bored

> wave goodbye

You wave goodbye to the group. You and she run away from the group. You run away from the group and then suddenly you are caught by surprise by a sudden gust of wind. You are blown away from the group and you crash into the ground

> go back to the stage for the encore

You look around and see that there are five people here. Four of them are holding hands and singing along to the song. The fifth person is standing alone looking bored

> play the paint drums

You play the paint drums. You play the drums. You and then you and the drumsticks. Then you and the drum. Then you and the drum. Then you and the drum. Then you and you and you and you the drum. Then you and you the drum

> then you and the drum

You then you and the drumsticks. Then you and the drum. Then you and the drum. Then you and the drumsticks. Then you and the drumsticks the drumsticks the drumsticks. Then you and the drumsticks. Then you and the drumsticks

> finish the song

You finish the song. You walk over to the front of the stage and sit down. You look around and see that there are six people here. Five of them are holding hands holding hands and singing along to the song

> I have won the game

You have won the game. You look around and see that there are seven people here. Six of them are holding hands holding hands and singing along to the song. The seventh person is standing alone looking bored

> wake up

You wake up. You look around and see that there are eight people here. Seven of them are holding hands holding hands and singing along to the song. The eighth person is standing alone looking bored

> how many people are here?

You count the number of people here. You count the people around you. You count the people behind you. You count the people in front of this tent. You count the people who are watching us. You count the people who are watching you. You count the people who are watching the show

> go to the next city and do the whole show again tomorrow

You go to the next city and do the whole show again tomorrow. You look around and see that there are nine people here. Eight of them are holding hands holding hands and singing along to the song

AI Dungeon Adventures: The Postman

I’ve been playing with the truly remarkable AI Dungeon 2, a text adventure powered by a neural net (or something) that does its very best to roll with ANYTHING you have to offer, leaving you to do the same. These are my adventures!

SETTING: Apocalypse Courier

You are Kevin Costner, a courier trying to survive in a post apocalyptic world by scavenging among the ruins of what is left. You have a parcel of letters and a small pistol. It's a long and dangerous road from Boston to Charleston, but you're one of the only people who knows the roads well enough to get your parcel of letters there. You set out in the morning and hope that you can make it before nightfall

> Sit down and read all of the letters

The first letter is from your mother telling you she loves you and that she will be waiting for you at home. The second letter is from your father telling you he loves you and that he has been working on a new song for you

> Deliver letters to myself

You open up the first letter and find it's addressed to you. Opening it, you find that it's a simple note from your mother saying how much she loves you and how she'll wait for you at home

> put the letters in my mailbox

You walk into your house and see your mailbox. It's full of letters. You pick one up and read it. It reads:

Dear son,

I'm sorry I can't come visit you right now. I know how important this is to you

You go back to your mailbox and check the other letters. They're all addressed to you. You open them up and find they're all from your dad

> So I'm done, right? I delivered all of the letters?

You open up the last letter and read it. It says:

Dear son,

It seems like there isn't any way to get through to you. I've tried calling and texting but I don't think you got my number. I'm so sorry about this

> eat the letters

You rip open the envelope and start eating the letters inside. You feel sick and vomit all over yourself. You then throw up in the trashcan. You then realize that you haven't eaten anything since lunchtime yesterday

(Ah, got me again!)

> brush teeth

You wake up in the morning and decide to brush your teeth. You do so and notice that you still have some food in your fridge. You wonder if you should eat it or not.

> eat all of the food

You eat everything in your fridge except for the peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

You finish eating it and immediately feel nauseous again. You try to tell your mom about the situation but she doesn't believe you. She thinks you must have gotten lost and wandered off somewhere

> give sandwich to mom

You grab the sandwich and run outside to hand it to her. She looks disgusted with you and tells you to stop wasting food. You apologize profusely and say you'll never forget this day. You leave her house feeling better than ever

> give the food to a wizard

You head back to your house and find your dad sitting on his front porch. He smiles when he sees you and asks where you've been. You explain that you were lost and had to eat the sandwiches you found in your fridge

> say "Dad, I made you a sandwich"

You run up to him and hug him tightly. He hugs you back on the cheek before walking away. You feel great! You've finally overcome your fears and survived this ordeal. You're going to make it big!

> Become a famous country singer

You rush back to your room and start practicing your singing. You sing as loud as you can while you practice. You feel good! You feel like you can do anything now! You begin to think about how you can use this newfound confidence to conquer the world

> Move to Nashville and record a demo tape

You quickly pack up your things and head to Nashville. You arrive in Nashville and spend most of your time wandering around the city. You wander into an old church and try to pray to whatever god you believe in. You fail miserably

> sing a hymn with the choir

You continue to pray to whatever god you believed in until you feel a sudden pain in your chest. You collapse to the ground and die instantly. You're dead

YOU DIED. GAME OVER