Hello there. A brief interruption from Unacceptable this week to make room for a new monthly column on The Higgs Weldon, SONGS ARE SAD. In it, I explain why songs are sad. Here's a couple paragraphs that should convince you that I am an authority on the music that you like.
I am like a music critic. I am not a music critic, but I am like one. The best music critics, the Internet has taught me, are here to tell you why the music you like is terrible. Especially if it’s new music. Yuck.
I don’t listen to much new music myself. I feel like I’m probably too young to have stopped listening to new music, but then, I felt that way about six years ago when I noticed it had happened to me.
This month we take on "Walking on Sunshine," "We Didn't Start the Fire," and "Call me Maybe." Next month, we'll take on whatever songs you suggest at songsaresad@thehiggsweldon.com
Attention! Attention! This week on The Higgs Weldon, Unacceptable explores brand new territory: picking up right where the second-to-last installment left off!
“I’m not trying to be difficult, but this is unacceptable,” said the me-from-half-an-hour-ago on the computer monitor. A TUSK-agent-from-half-an-hour-ago poured a bucket of tepid water on his head. I tapped a few commands into Dr. Valrus’s computer and the last eight hours of security camera footage was scrambled.
I checked the live camera feeds from around the Warren, TUSK’s secret headquarters. Various low level agents were running back and forth, presumably looking for me, but nobody had even tried the door to Dr. Valrus’s command center. In the few minutes since I’d switched off the alarms, some of the TUSKs had already decided it must have been a false alarm and returned to their posts.
Isn't TUSK just the worst? What a stupid organization. Read all about them and their dumb Warren today!
Has anyone ever tried to SUBMIT something to The Higgs Weldon because I said to in a blog post?
Allow me to be among the first to wish you a Merry Christmas Only, and suggest you celebrate with my friend and partner-in-no-way Kyle Clark's new comedy album, There is No Version Of This. Pizza Night.
Fifteen dollars American will net you a copy on magnetic tape, just like the Nazis used to use, and that includes a poster not made of magnetic tape.
Or for only FIVE dollars, I will give you THIS link to where you can listen to the entire thing for free.
Happy Thursday, boils and ghouls! This week on The Higgs Weldon, Unacceptable explores brand new territory: picking up right where the previous installment left off!
“I’m not trying to be difficult, but this is unacceptable,” I said, struggling to keep the sarcasm out of my voice. Luckily I was blindfolded, so my captors couldn’t see the vicious, almost involuntary eye rolling going on.
“No, really guys, just, just so unsatisfactory.”
See what all the fuss is about in the full story!
And SUBMIT stories of your own. It helps everyone.
In this week's Unacceptable, the continuity continues!
“I’m not trying to be difficult, but this is unacceptable!” I yelled at Dr. Valrus. For the most part, I was just trying to put on a good show, but circumstances put a little emotion in my voice. One of the TUSK agents attempting to restrain me had gotten a hand in my jacket pocket and held on for dear life. I guess he really didn’t want to fall into that vat of Compound VV. And then the stitching tore and he fell to his death.
It wasn’t until I’d kicked him loose and climbed back over the railing on to the catwalk that I saw how badly he’d torn my pocket, so you can understand how I’d be upset. Anytime field work requires black-tie attire, I end up paying for the wardrobe with my own money. The quartermaster is supposed to reinforce any garments they tailor for work related purposes, and yet here we are.
Has it all been leading up to this? Who, or what, is the inscrutable Dr. Valrus? What is compound double V? Who's going to pay for that jacket? Find out at once!
And, obviously, you can SUBMIT your own work to The Higgs Weldon pretty much anytime you want.
