Not a front for a secret organization.
Written by Rob Schultz (human).
You can always see what shows I might be performing on in the near future over on the booking page, but this weekend I'm going to be in San Francisco for my second year as a part of SF Sketchfest.
I'm doing two shows on Friday, February 7th, and two completely different sets. The first is a stand-up showcase, the second is called Hand to Mouth, and will feature an all-new 10 minutes on the topic of OBSESSION!
Two important things to note about this week's Unacceptable, available today on The Higgs Weldon:
This is part 22 of a 4 part series, because I thought it would be funny to do a whole year's worth of a month of something, and when I was done I'd have a book of something. But when this started, I thought I was helping The Higgs Weldon out, and now I wonder if they're not still printing these things as a favor to me. Unfortunately, this week is the start of a new story, but you'll have to wait for the collection to check out the rest. Until then:
“I’m not trying to be difficult, but this is unacceptable,” I said, tears clouding my vision as I aimed an expensive handgun at Dennis, one of our office technicians.
Dennis had his hands up. He was slowly backing away from me and I was slowly moving towards him with the gun. It was new. Probably the best handgun I’d ever owned, and I brought it from home because it was so much better than the ones provided to us by the office and to them by the lowest bidder.
Read the rest of it here, at your leisure.
If you've got a thing that people like reading, maybe SUBMIT that to The Higgs Weldon yourself!
Oh man! The thrilling conclusion of the Warren Saga! You know, the current storyline in Unacceptable on The Higgs Weldon?
“I’m not trying to be difficult, but this is unacceptable,” I said to the blackjack dealer. “I want a new croupier!”
“I’m extremely sorry sir, but the hand has been invalidated,” said the blackjack dealer. “Your original bet has been returned.”
Blackjack? What about the Warren? You better check it out immediately!
Remember how good Unacceptable #7 was? Well I'm still snickering about #20. And not just because it features the return of Clive!
“I’m not trying to be difficult, but this is unacceptable,” I announced in the Denny’s at 888 Figuroa Street in downtown Los Angeles. I was addressing my waitress, Denise, who works the afternoon shift on Tuesdays, but I’m not kidding myself here; I had a problem with the service and the food and the parking and the bill and the other patrons, and I wanted all of them to know it.
Vanessa grabbed my sleeve and tried to pull me back into my chair, so that I would not draw unnecessary attention to me and my team of government spies that are so top secret and fancy that we never even call ourselves spies, we don’t even use that word, but I said no.
It's a good one. I think you'd like it. But you don't have to take my word for it!
And if you don't, then let's see you SUBMIT something better, smartso!
You know, when I publish a book, a collection of these here Unacceptables, the phrase “I’m not trying to be difficult, but this is unacceptable,” is going to appear in it almost as many times as the word "sardonically" in a Timothy Zahn novel. Here's it being used in context once, on The Higgs Weldon:
“I’m not trying to be difficult, but this is unacceptable,” I said to the TUSK agent guarding my cell.
“Eh, youse shoulda thought o’ that before you started nosin’ around the Warren,” said the guard. He didn’t even turn around to look at me. “You gotta go, you go in yer cell.”
Gross! Now what? Go read this week's story to find out for yourself.
(SUBMIT)