Not a front for a secret organization.
Written by Rob Schultz (human).
Oh man! The thrilling conclusion of the Warren Saga! You know, the current storyline in Unacceptable on The Higgs Weldon?
“I’m not trying to be difficult, but this is unacceptable,” I said to the blackjack dealer. “I want a new croupier!”
“I’m extremely sorry sir, but the hand has been invalidated,” said the blackjack dealer. “Your original bet has been returned.”
Blackjack? What about the Warren? You better check it out immediately!
Remember how good Unacceptable #7 was? Well I'm still snickering about #20. And not just because it features the return of Clive!
“I’m not trying to be difficult, but this is unacceptable,” I announced in the Denny’s at 888 Figuroa Street in downtown Los Angeles. I was addressing my waitress, Denise, who works the afternoon shift on Tuesdays, but I’m not kidding myself here; I had a problem with the service and the food and the parking and the bill and the other patrons, and I wanted all of them to know it.
Vanessa grabbed my sleeve and tried to pull me back into my chair, so that I would not draw unnecessary attention to me and my team of government spies that are so top secret and fancy that we never even call ourselves spies, we don’t even use that word, but I said no.
It's a good one. I think you'd like it. But you don't have to take my word for it!
And if you don't, then let's see you SUBMIT something better, smartso!
You know, when I publish a book, a collection of these here Unacceptables, the phrase “I’m not trying to be difficult, but this is unacceptable,” is going to appear in it almost as many times as the word "sardonically" in a Timothy Zahn novel. Here's it being used in context once, on The Higgs Weldon:
“I’m not trying to be difficult, but this is unacceptable,” I said to the TUSK agent guarding my cell.
“Eh, youse shoulda thought o’ that before you started nosin’ around the Warren,” said the guard. He didn’t even turn around to look at me. “You gotta go, you go in yer cell.”
Gross! Now what? Go read this week's story to find out for yourself.
(SUBMIT)
Hello there. A brief interruption from Unacceptable this week to make room for a new monthly column on The Higgs Weldon, SONGS ARE SAD. In it, I explain why songs are sad. Here's a couple paragraphs that should convince you that I am an authority on the music that you like.
I am like a music critic. I am not a music critic, but I am like one. The best music critics, the Internet has taught me, are here to tell you why the music you like is terrible. Especially if it’s new music. Yuck.
I don’t listen to much new music myself. I feel like I’m probably too young to have stopped listening to new music, but then, I felt that way about six years ago when I noticed it had happened to me.
This month we take on "Walking on Sunshine," "We Didn't Start the Fire," and "Call me Maybe." Next month, we'll take on whatever songs you suggest at songsaresad@thehiggsweldon.com
Attention! Attention! This week on The Higgs Weldon, Unacceptable explores brand new territory: picking up right where the second-to-last installment left off!
“I’m not trying to be difficult, but this is unacceptable,” said the me-from-half-an-hour-ago on the computer monitor. A TUSK-agent-from-half-an-hour-ago poured a bucket of tepid water on his head. I tapped a few commands into Dr. Valrus’s computer and the last eight hours of security camera footage was scrambled.
I checked the live camera feeds from around the Warren, TUSK’s secret headquarters. Various low level agents were running back and forth, presumably looking for me, but nobody had even tried the door to Dr. Valrus’s command center. In the few minutes since I’d switched off the alarms, some of the TUSKs had already decided it must have been a false alarm and returned to their posts.
Isn't TUSK just the worst? What a stupid organization. Read all about them and their dumb Warren today!
Has anyone ever tried to SUBMIT something to The Higgs Weldon because I said to in a blog post?