Normal Website

Not a front for a secret organization.
Written by Rob Schultz (human).

Filtering by Category: Comedy Jokes

Amy's Prank

It's new video time!  We spent around an hour shooting this last weekend, and I put it together this weekend.  It's about Amy, and the tricks she plays on her neighborhood. It so happens that we have all the right props (literally, props) to be entered into the YouTube Project: Direct 2009 contest.  I imagine that for any number of reasons, this isn't quite the kind of video they're looking for, but there's something that seems very silly to me about a direct-to-youtube video with a credited Director of Photography and three Key Grips, so maybe it should be.

If it turns out that it is, then I assure you, you'll hear about it when the voting starts.   (Judges narrow down the contestants who are then voted on by the Internets)  Until then, I recommend you watch it anywhere else.

  • Vimeo - For best quality
  • Funny or Die - if you like it, you can vote it 'funny' here.
  • UCBComedy - Everyone in this has UCB ties!  And sweatshirts! 
  • YouTube - Because I thought it'd be fun to enter a contest

It's a little bit heartbreaking to spend time adjusting colors and finessing a video just to have the YouTube automatic video ruining system add its own 'washed out' color settings and a light blur over top of everything.  It's almost enough to understand why 1) most internet videos look terrible 2) people don't bother with white balancing or microphones.  I mean, macroblocking? Really?  Even in 'high-quality' mode?  It's a series of stills, for pete's sake. (EDIT: I'm told that there's a longer wait for the site to process things into high-quality playback mode, and that it ought to look better sooner or later)

Anyway, I hope you like it, and that you get the film nerd joke in the middle.  It was fun to do, and I'd shoot this style again sometime.  Now if you'll excuse me, I actually finished something, and a little bit of sunshine is in order.  (I was going to go for an irony-free closing here, but I stumped the MTV site)

Kind of a Big Deal

Not to brag or anything, but this blog, website, and author have been graced with a Merlin Mann Award for Excellence in You! award as of December 2008.  With a little luck, I'll still be eligible for 2009 as well.    It's no Monty Burns Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence, but I think it's a step in the right direction.

Journal Entries in Bad Taste

No lie! Thursday, Sept 13, 2001 - When the people are clear and they start sifting through the rubble, I wonder if the insurance companies will classify it as an 'Act of God.'

Monday, Aug 29, 2005 - Why aren't there more Katrina and the Waves jokes in the news lately? It looks like there's gonna be a whole lot of people without power or water, just waiting out the storm. I'll bet we start seeing a whole lot of little girls named Katrina next year.

[EDIT: Fake entry I thought of today!] Thursday, Sept 11, 2003 - Generations from now, the date of September 11th will live on in infamy, in memorial of the senseless loss this nation has sustained. R.I.P. John Ritter.

O'bama 'Irish' Rumor: Ugly, false, and in the open

Now that the election is over and campaign insiders are spilling the beans on what really happened, I'm happy to be able to reproduce for you news articles that were TOO HOT to report! Ripped from the news wire! Buried under the shed! Behold!

Is the discredited smear campaign backfiring on Republicans?

The "moment in Minnetonka" appeared last Wednesday like the pale, redheaded daughter of a New York City patrolman - impossible to miss, hard not to stare at, and embarrassing, at least to John McCain, who wants to present a lustless face to the voting public.

Wearing her low cut red McCain-Palin T-shirt, Gail Simpson rose from the crowd at a rally in Minnetonka, Minn. to give her candidate a little of his signature straight talk.

"I don't trust O'bama," she announced, as McCain nodded enthusiastically. Then she continued: "I have read about him. He's a Mick."

And there she was. Center stage, on camera, about as public as you can get. The political desire that's been building for nearly two years in the locker rooms chats of this presidential campaign, gushing forth in broad daylight.

McCain, a politician who's been around long enough to recognize a "campaign ender" when he sees one, pounced to action.

"No. Nope. No, ma'am. No, ma'am," said the candidate, taking back the microphone. "He's a decent family man citizen that I just happen to have disagreements with . . ."

But, setting aside the internal implication of McCain's reply — that O'bama can't be an Irishman if he's a decent citizen and "family man," particularly with regard to several popular stereotypes regarding Irish-American families — and its impact on the sensibilities of this country's 39 million Irish-American citizens, a number growing steadily with each passing year, McCain cannot have been too surprised by what he faced on that stage. Because his campaign has helped create it.

Gail Simpson is in fact the collective voice of hundreds of thousands, perhaps millions of Americans whose nativist fears Republicans have been stoking for months. The Americans who have been passing on smear-mails for years.

"Beware," said the first one I saw, back in January of 2007. "O'bama takes great care to conceal the fact that his name is spelled with an apostrophe."

It went on to reveal that O'bama's African father was "black Irish." and that O'bama himself had studied at an extremist school in Dublin.

The e-mails are patently false, and have been widely debunked. But whisper campaigns are as persistent as a famine.

Clearly — witness Ms. Simpson in Minnetonka — the message has had an effect. Any reporter who's covered this campaign has seen it.

I heard it in May, as parishioners gathered outside a church in North Carolina. A colleague says he's encountered the same thing in Indiana, Pennsylvania and Missouri: "It's usually 'I know he says he isn't, but I think he's Irish.' You hear it everywhere."

The whisper campaign seems particularly directed at Catholic voters, playing on their fears that O'bama might not be pro-Northern Ireland enough, or that he is somehow in league with Orangemen, read IRA, read terrorists.

Speakers at Republican events began referring to "Bearach O'bama," with heavy emphasis on the traditional spelling of their opponent's first name, from which the modern name Barry is derived.

Early on, McCain himself chastised a conservative talk-show host for warming up one of his crowds with the "Bearach H. O'bama" line: "I will not tolerate anything in this campaign that denigrates either Sen. O'bama or Sen. [Hillary] Clinton," said McCain.

But this fall, as O'bama's campaign gathered force, McCain evidently decided to tolerate some mud after all.

Speakers introducing him at rallies again started using the "Bearach" line, now with the Republican candidate standing nearby smiling.

And McCain's surrogates, led by his running mate Sarah Palin, began sharpening a more specific story line.

They seized upon O'bama's past association with Sean "William" Ayers, who, along with other members of the radical IRA group, bombed various government targets, including the city of Manchester, in the late 1960s.

Ayers long ago turned himself in and became a university professor and community organizer. In those capacities, he met O'bama during the mid-90s.

To Palin, though, what O'bama did was to forge a close and enduring tie with a "domestic terrorist." In fact, she has told rally after rally, O'bama is even now "palling around with terrorists who would target their own country." No explanation of how a "domestic terrorist" became "terrorists," and Palin is apparently unaware that the U.S. is no longer an English colony.

By last week, the crowds at McCain rallies were turning ugly. Mention of O'bama's name invoked cries of "terrorist!" or "bomb him!" or "traitor!" or "off with his head!" or "freebird!"

And little wonder, given this country's not-so-distant history, that the Secret Service contingent surrounding O'bama is now laying on security measures rivaling those of the president himself.

But Gail Simpson, for one, remains resolute. O'bama, she told reporters after her moment on stage last week with McCain, is "a Mick and a terrorist . . .all the people agree with what I said."

All of this, however, may now have actually turned against McCain. His name, supporters are rarely heard to mention, is also Gaelic in origin.

Clinton Claims Victory on Moon

Now that the election is over and campaign insiders are spilling the beans on what really happened, I'm happy to be able to reproduce for you news articles that were TOO HOT to report! Ripped from the news wire! Buried under the shed! Behold!

June 2008 - TRANQUILITY BASE, The Moon (AP) -- Sen. Hillary Clinton claimed victory on The Moon on Thursday and insisted that she is leading Sen. Barack Obama in the popular vote.

Clinton won 68 percent of the vote compared with Obama's 30 percent and two percent reporting undecided.

The win gives Clinton the larger share of The Moon's 0 delegates.

"When the voting concludes on Tuesday, neither Sen. Obama nor I will have the number of delegates to be the nominee," she said from a specially designed soundstage built to resemble the Sea of Tranquility.

"I will lead the popular vote; he will maintain a slight lead in the delegate count," she said.

The Clinton campaign has been focusing on the popular vote as it tries to convince superdelegates to pick her instead of Obama. The superdelegates are a group of about 800 party leaders and officials who vote at the convention for the candidate of their choice.

In the The Moon primary, Clinton swept Obama in every major demographic group, including groups Obama generally wins, such as igneous voters and lower-oxygen environment voters, according to exit polls.

"Most people on The Moon, I would venture to guess, they are not even aware that there's a primary going on," said L∆Ω §œ∑-ß∂ƒ, a local political analyst.

Part of the reason for the lack of interest, he said, is because voters feel the primary isn't meaningful since The Moon cannot vote in the general election.

The Democratic and Republican parties run the primaries and caucuses, and they allow U.S. territories to take part in the process. This is only the eighth Presidential election since Apollo astronauts claimed the planetoid as a U.S. territory in 1969.

President Reagan successfully urged both parties to disallow Moon-based polling prior to the 1984 election. The move was regarded as a pre-emptive strike against Strategic Defense Initiative, or "Star Wars," criticisms.

Moon polling was reinstated after the announcement of the Space Exploration Initiative by President George H. W. Bush in 1989. As Vice President and National Space Council chairman Dan Quayle famously explained to reporters, "[The Moon] is essentially in the same orbit as us, why wouldn't it not have the same rights as any of her people?"

But only the 50 states and the District of Columbia vote in the general election.