Clinton Claims Victory on Moon

Now that the election is over and campaign insiders are spilling the beans on what really happened, I'm happy to be able to reproduce for you news articles that were TOO HOT to report! Ripped from the news wire! Buried under the shed! Behold!

June 2008 - TRANQUILITY BASE, The Moon (AP) -- Sen. Hillary Clinton claimed victory on The Moon on Thursday and insisted that she is leading Sen. Barack Obama in the popular vote.

Clinton won 68 percent of the vote compared with Obama's 30 percent and two percent reporting undecided.

The win gives Clinton the larger share of The Moon's 0 delegates.

"When the voting concludes on Tuesday, neither Sen. Obama nor I will have the number of delegates to be the nominee," she said from a specially designed soundstage built to resemble the Sea of Tranquility.

"I will lead the popular vote; he will maintain a slight lead in the delegate count," she said.

The Clinton campaign has been focusing on the popular vote as it tries to convince superdelegates to pick her instead of Obama. The superdelegates are a group of about 800 party leaders and officials who vote at the convention for the candidate of their choice.

In the The Moon primary, Clinton swept Obama in every major demographic group, including groups Obama generally wins, such as igneous voters and lower-oxygen environment voters, according to exit polls.

"Most people on The Moon, I would venture to guess, they are not even aware that there's a primary going on," said L∆Ω §œ∑-ß∂ƒ, a local political analyst.

Part of the reason for the lack of interest, he said, is because voters feel the primary isn't meaningful since The Moon cannot vote in the general election.

The Democratic and Republican parties run the primaries and caucuses, and they allow U.S. territories to take part in the process. This is only the eighth Presidential election since Apollo astronauts claimed the planetoid as a U.S. territory in 1969.

President Reagan successfully urged both parties to disallow Moon-based polling prior to the 1984 election. The move was regarded as a pre-emptive strike against Strategic Defense Initiative, or "Star Wars," criticisms.

Moon polling was reinstated after the announcement of the Space Exploration Initiative by President George H. W. Bush in 1989. As Vice President and National Space Council chairman Dan Quayle famously explained to reporters, "[The Moon] is essentially in the same orbit as us, why wouldn't it not have the same rights as any of her people?"

But only the 50 states and the District of Columbia vote in the general election.