Unacceptable, Part 2

My second installment filling in the slots of the July writing prompt on The Higgs Weldon begins thusly:

“I’m not trying to be difficult, but this is unacceptable!” I shouted to Vanessa as we plummeted to Earth. She probably shouted something back, but I couldn’t tell what it was. Falling is noisier than you’d think.

Just minutes ago, everything had been going great. Vanessa and I were both inside of a really nice airplane. We were flying Business Class, because it was a business trip. I had just had a big bag of peanuts, an EpiPen, and a hot towel, when Vanessa came through the privacy curtain holding a parachute.

Read the rest of it today, only on The Higgs Weldon!
Don't forget to SUBMIT your own comedy writing at once!

Unacceptable, Part 1

This month, over at The Higgs Weldon, our writing prompt for July was to start a piece with the following sentence:

“I’m not trying to be difficult, but this is unacceptable!”

Unfortunately, nobody submitted anything. So a hero stepped up. A real, true-blue, American hero. Look forward to four new pieces from me over the next four weeks. This week:

“I’m not trying to be difficult, but this is unacceptable!” I shouted to Vanessa over a pitter-patter of raindrops on the roof of our office and a whap-ping of low-caliber handgun ammunition slapping into our heavy, overturned desks.

Vanessa turned to me from across the office with a look that seemed to say, “I know that this isn’t the kind of situation either of us wants to be in, least of all at three minutes after five on a Friday, and yes, we did get married, and no, not to each other, but dammit, we both got divorced too, and life is short, and cruel, and so are these Ukrainians who are shooting at us, so how about we fake our deaths and start over in Barbados?”

Read the rest on The Higgs Weldon. I think it's pretty good!
(Also, SUBMIT your own writing!)

TheHiggsWeldon.com is on the air!

Some of my stand-up pals are starting a new online humor "literary magazine," The Higgs Weldon. I'm helping them out as an editor, and with this article to get the ball rolling. Check back in every weekday for a new piece of comedy writing, every month for another elaborate lie I've written, and submit your own writing at their SUBMISSIONS page!

This month, learn why the phrase “The Best Thing Since Sliced Bread” is dead wrong!

De-Gifting

This seems like just the right time of year to remind you about De-Gifting.Com.

As you can see from the video above, you can save money and time (which is money) by not rushing out into the madding throngs of shoppers. Just visit the site, and buy Nothing for everyone on your list. Then, print out a collectible certificate that shows your gift-getter what they would have gotten, how much you would have spent, and why you couldn't be bothered to get it for them.

You can even pay the site the amount of money you claim to have spent. But, you don't need to pay anything to get the certificate. That's free. What you're buying is the Nothing.

Each year, thousands of certificates are produced. Nobody has ever sent us a cent.

I hope you all had a traditionally spooooooooooooky thanksgiving!